Consequences
by NightmareGlitter
Summary: Juudai doesn't want to admit that no matter what, he's going to lose. He can't compromise with someone who's unwilling, and will be forced to make a painful choice. HaouJuu Not fluffy, mentions of abuse.


**A/N: Um…I wrote this just because I wasn't in the mood to write Mirrors and I don't have time to NOT be in the mood so I was like WRITE DAMN YOU WRITE. DX So this is the result of me trying to boost my motivation. :is dying: Sorry for not updating Mirrors. D: Needs…rp…to continue…ugh. Speaking of rp, this is based on an rp Angel and I are doing…so it's probably a bit OOC…Oh, btw I had a helluva lot of ice cream so I'm kinda hyper right now…just thought you might need to know that, hrhrhr. And oh extra btw…tomorrow's my bday! WOO HOO 18…tho at the same time it really sucks cuz I have to grow up and all that. Boo! DX**

**Disclaimer: Chazzi does not own GX. Why is she referring to herself in third person? Well, if the Chazz can do it in the dub then so can she. So shuddup. 8D **

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Juudai sat on the beach, his knees pulled up to his chest. Taking a deep breath and letting it out in a sigh, he closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the tide ebbing. He blocked out all other noise, until the ocean was all he heard, the surf pounding constantly against the seashore, an interminable rhythm that lasted the test of time. Presently, he became aware of a beat akin to that of the ocean: the beat of his heart in his ears. It reminded him of why he was even there in the first place. He had to calm down. He had to get a hold of himself so he wouldn't do anything stupid. A bit of quiet contemplation never did anyone any harm, though he wasn't particularly skilled at it.

He shivered a bit in the cool breeze, though it was not from cold. It was an involuntary reaction to the hand he felt grazed across his back. Squeezing his eyes shut a little tighter, he sucked his breath in and willed it not to come. Certainly, not at a time like this. Why would _he_ be bothering him after _that_ incident earlier in the week? Perhaps it was a mere delusion of his imagination. Perhaps it would go away. He really did not want to deal with _him_ at a time like that. Not after what had happened between them. Not after he'd been so badly hurt.

The sensation returned a moment later. Warmth radiated from the weight that was placed on Juudai's shoulder. It lingered for quite some time as Juudai tried to ignore it. He could feel the anger and the strength behind the grip, though it was loose and could be mistaken for tenderness. No, he just didn't want to hurt Juudai. It was obvious that although he was livid, he wanted to mend things between them. He wanted to compensate for the things he'd done. Then again, what could he do? He always did those things, whether intentionally or not, yet he never seemed to learn from them and never stopped them. It didn't matter how much they hurt Juudai. He couldn't stop. That was the sad truth behind it all. He was the one to be pitied, really. And that was what kept Juudai coming back and forgiving him. He knew that the other had issues and serious problems that had no remedy. He knew that the other could not quit no matter how hard he tried, though he didn't try that hard since he was complacent about the whole matter. After all, who wouldn't be? He had security of Juudai's instant forgiveness. Though he didn't seem to regret most of what he did, at least Juudai knew that deep inside he hated hurting him. He hated the pain and suffering he inflicted on Juudai. Why did he continue? Perhaps it was habit. Perhaps it was his sadistic nature. Perhaps he couldn't fathom the pertinence of self-control. Fact was, he was mentally unstable, insane.

The fingers traced the outlines on his jacket before resting on the back of his neck, intertwined in the umber locks. Juudai hugged his knees closer to his chest and prayed he would leave. Hadn't he been put through enough torture? Hadn't he endured enough? The other saw how much pain he put Juudai through, yet he continued in his ways and did nothing about it, except to come back and shower this unwanted affection on him. Sometimes, Juudai wondered if it was to torment him. He wondered if he'd been truly that awful in his past life to deserve such a punishment. Yet had he been bad at all? Perhaps he was taking someone else's punishment. Perhaps he was taking _this_ entity's punishment. The thought of it made him grit his teeth in anger. And just when he'd thought they couldn't have gotten any more mixed up…

The fingers released Juudai's hair. There was a brief pause as they hovered above the Osiris student hesitantly, as though unsure of where to alight. Juudai considered whirling around and begging him to stop it already. But he knew this would do no good. He could already see the quizzical expression furrowing _his_ brow, his golden eyes narrowing and gleaming, ready to accept any confrontation. He always took things the wrong way. He was always so ready to fight. There _was _no right way to approach a matter with him. Anything and everything that came out of Juudai's mouth had been deemed incorrect before it had gotten the chance to leave his lips. Even if the other knew what Juudai was thinking, since they were one and the same, it did no justice. Juudai was always wrong and he had to be made aware of that. He had to accept his counterpart's obstinate, disagreeable nature.

He flinched as the hands finally rested on each of his shoulders, their grip sturdy and assuring. At least _he _was confident of his abilities. It was a trait they both shared. Juudai did not doubt his abilities either. But he was beginning to doubt how much of a good thing overconfidence was. After all, look at what it caused him! Not from his behalf, but from the other's. Oh, the horrid fate that had been doled out for him…

Not that he was one to complain. He was not going to think about this any longer than he had to. Perhaps it _was_ best to tackle the problem head on. However, by doing that, he was risking certain, inevitable consequences. Well, it would have to be worth it. He couldn't remain in this state forever. He had to say something then, or the other would lose his patience, and most likely, his temper.

Slowly, his gaze shifted. He noticed from his peripherals what he had been so dreading to see: a slim, somewhat tanned hand resting on his shoulder, peeking out from a black sleeve. Just that sight alone made him want to turn back around and pretend the other was not there. However, it was too late. He had been spotted.

"Juudai," The voice was low, but firm. That was all he said.

A haggard glance cast in his direction was the only response he received.

The hands gently rubbed Juudai's shoulders up and down for a moment, before resting idly again. He sighed heavily, wishing his counterpart would give up and go away already. It was bad enough that he could still see him and hear him, but to be able to _feel_ him too? That was ludicrous. He supposed it was because his mind and body were connected so deeply, and since the other was half of his soul…He turned his head away, suppressing the name rising in his throat. No, _he_ was not worthy of that title, that recognition. Not then. Not after what he'd done. Yet, at the same time, sympathy raised its ugly head once more. Why was he prone to caring so deeply for those that hurt him the most?

A final ragged sigh signaled Juudai's surrender. He turned slightly to lock his gaze with those deep, burning embers of eyes, ones he'd only moments ago been frightened of. A fierce, defiant expression came to his face, daring the other to try anything while he was still weak. It all but disappeared when it was returned tenfold. Then, a meek, sorrowful expression furrowed Juudai's brow. He felt sorry for behaving in that manner. He didn't want to fight. He just wanted to make peace between them. It was so difficult, though.

He parted his lips, the name finally erupting in a breathy sigh. "Haou…" He sounded more disappointed than angry or afraid.

Haou cleared his throat a little, seemingly uncertain of how to begin. He had not quite expected to be received so coldly then have Juudai turn around one hundred eighty degrees. "Juudai…you must understand…"

"I do," Juudai murmured, hanging his head, his hair masking his dark eyes, "At least I think I do. I understand as much as you'll let me, from as much as you've let me in."

"I never intended to do so much damage," He insisted quietly and evenly, his frown deepening, "You know my nature tends to lean more towards…the aggressive side."

"Violent is a word more apt to the situation," Juudai muttered, averting his gaze momentarily.

Haou grabbed his chin between a finger and a thumb, roughly snapping his head up to look back into his eyes. They were cold, cruel. There was no room for love in them. There was no room for warmth or compassion. He had no regrets. He had no remorse. In fact, he probably didn't even understand the depth of how sick and wrong his actions had been. Granted, he knew quite well what he was doing. He chose to perform those actions. He just couldn't seem to understand how to be kind…He could be gentle, yet in an unfeeling sort of way. At least, that was the impression he gave off.

Haou's bitter tone broke through the barrier of his thoughts. "Don't turn your back on me again," He hissed through his teeth, trembling a bit in rage, "Don't you ever think you can get away with defiance or betrayal."

The chocolate eyes widened in horror. "How could you say that about me?!" He cried in disbelief, "I'd never--!"

"But you have. In more ways than you could ever imagine. You did it just now, unknowingly or not. I am entitled to do whatever I please with you. I am entitled to treat you however I see fit. But you can't behave so rudely to me without consequences," Haou told him, his grip tightening.

"Why are you bringing this up now?" Juudai asked, looking helplessly up at Haou, "You didn't come to chew me out again, did you? Surely you know better…At this point…I don't know if I can continue like this…You're…breaking me…Is that what you want?" He hung his head again, sighing heavily as he muttered under his breath, "Of course it's what you want. You don't really care."

Haou's hands gripped Juudai's shoulders painfully. The next thing Juudai knew, his cheek was pressed against the sand and Haou was pinning him down. The other's hands were shaking slightly as he pressed him closer to the warm, grainy earth. "Idiot…" He hissed, "If I didn't care, I'd have let you die back in Dark World. I'd have let you kill yourself…as you saw fit. But I did that because I cared about you; I wanted to protect you. Are you truly that dense? Do you truly only read people from what's on the surface?" He gave Juudai a rough shove so the brunet was lying on his back, staring up at the king with a confused gaze.

"Haou…I didn't mean…I wasn't…" He closed his mouth, uncertain of what to say. Truthfully, he was trapped. What could he say? Haou had caught him.

"Let's stop beating around the bush," Haou told him, his voice dropping back down to a lower tone, "We both know already…I do not intend to stop. I see no reason to. But that doesn't mean I'm completely insensate. That does not mean that I hate you. It does not mean that I'm not there without reason. You have to get through some things by yourself, you know. Now, with that knowledge, and with all that has been obviously weighing on your mind for the past several months, it is time for you to come to terms. It is time for you to quit evading the choice you must make. It is time for you to make your decision."

Swallowing hard, Juudai stared up at him. His muscles tensed and began to quiver. The sharp amber gaze sent chills up and down his spine. Already, he knew what his answer should be. But he wasn't sure how he was to say it.

He didn't need to. The moment he'd made up his mind, Haou knew. Slowly, reluctantly, the king released his shoulders and straightened up, his mouth pursed in disapproval. "I see…"

Juudai blinked. "You know…" He said weakly, "I can't handle much more…"

Haou looked indignant. Even though he seemed to have it all together, there was an amount of indecision lingering beneath the surface. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to react.

"I don't want to walk away after everything," Juudai told him, his dark eyes filling with sorrow, "I just want…everything to be Ok again…"

Haou seemed disgusted with this. "It won't be all right again…unless you make it that way. I'd suggest you didn't leave. It would be foolish." His eyes half-lidded, regarding Juudai somewhat lazily, somewhat coldly; his tone held an icy, commanding edge to it.

"Then why did you tell me I had a decision if you'd already made it for me?!" Juudai demanded, his frown deepening.

"Don't talk to me in that tone of voice," Haou hissed, seizing him by the neck, leaning close to his face. "You can make a decision but regardless, I'll still do what I want with you."

Juudai's hands automatically flew to his throat. The familiar tightening sensation around his airways caused panic to rise within him. He never knew when Haou would actually do it…

Leaning closer so their noses were brushing, Haou told him in a low voice, "You're mine and you'll always be. There's nothing you can do to get rid of me, no matter how hard you try. I won't let you leave alive…If you leave me…if you break our contract…You understand the terms of closure…"

Juudai swallowed hard. "Then why did you offer?" He gasped, pulling at Haou's hands, trying to get them to release his neck.

A smirk flickered across Haou's lips momentarily before fading into the same stoic expression as before. "I had a brief change of heart, you could say, before I came back to my senses. I can't let you go. I can never let you walk away like that. You made me a promise. You swore your allegiance to me. If you betray me again, if you walk away again…I'm fed up with it. I'm fed up with this cycle…You can't walk away then come back and say that you've 'forgiven' me. Such frivolity does not interest me. You're either loyal or you're not. You cannot have anything in-between. I'm sick of you locking me in the back of your mind for weeks at a time, abandoning me and forgetting about me. It's not I who should apologize. It's _you_."

There was a long pause as the two stared into each other's eyes, trying to understand. Haou's hands loosened around Juudai's neck, eventually falling to his shoulders again. Juudai's features creased as a troubled expression crossed his face, remorse filling his eyes. Even though he felt as though Haou was merely shifting the blame, he knew that it was partially true. Although Haou was more at fault than he was, he still played a vital role in their troubles. Perhaps he should listen to Haou…After all he was forced to live with him. He could lock him away all he wanted, but that didn't mean that he was gone. Denial did not mean nonexistence.

His head dropped to the other's shoulder and he sighed heavily as he tried to figure out what he should do. It was difficult to decide, especially when he was being pressured to make a certain decision. Finally, he took a mental step back and asked himself what he _wanted _to do; what was best for him to do. If he really thought about it, running away did no good. Confrontation only resulted in more grief. Perhaps the only thing he _could_ do was to accept it. Haou would be Haou. There was nothing he could do to stop or change that. He'd lived with it thus far so he'd have to continue living with it. Although, it wouldn't hurt for the other to be kinder to him. Perhaps they could cut a deal…

His shaggy head raised so that weary chocolate eyes could meet the piercing golden gaze. Another sigh escaped his lips as he surrendered himself yet again. It was an all too familiar feeling, the feeling of defeat. "All right…I'm not going to walk away. On one condition…"

"There's no need to play that game with me," Haou grumbled, "You're not going to gain anything from it. The only one setting the conditions will be me. You have no choice but to stay."

"I do have a choice," Juudai argued, "I could choose to die. And I'll admit that sometimes that option tempts me greatly. But I won't because I have things to do in this life, and I have responsibilities. I have my dreams and my goals. And you can't stop me from having that, at least. Anyway, I'll stay with you regardless, but in order to still have my companionship to the fullest, you're going to have to put forth at least a little effort to be kinder to me. You've been so horrid to me so far…Please at least _try_."

Haou blinked and replied without missing a beat. "There's no need for me to do such a thing. You still have to--"

"Forcing me to talk to you is one thing," Juudai interrupted, "but you can't force me to love you anymore!"

The other looked taken aback. He had not been expecting such a response from Juudai. After all, he truly believed that no matter what he did, Juudai would always love him. It had always been that way. He'd always come back to him and forgiven him. But was he really in that much danger of losing Juudai's affection? But that was not what was important to him…was it? He hesitated before responding. However, before he could speak, Juudai continued.

"You certainly don't have to make your mind up now," Juudai told him softly, his gaze never leaving Haou, "I'll wait for you to think about it. I understand that it's hard for you, and I'll wait as long as you need…But not forever. You can't stall."

Haou stared at Juudai as he took this information in. He understood that he had to compromise for what he wanted. But the question was, was it worth it?

"You don't seem to love me," Juudai said after a moment, "And that's just fine with me. I don't have to love you either. We can continue on pretending…You know that if I really wanted to I could have someone else, someone who'd treat me better. You know I could've taken Johan up on his offer. But I turned him down, though sometimes I ask myself why…It was all because of _you_. But if I don't get your feelings in return for everything I put up with…then why bother anymore? I'm not that stupid. Do you understand what I mean?"

After a moment's thought, Haou nodded. Slowly, he let his hands drop to his sides. There was something beneath the stony surface that radiated sadness. Juudai could feel it welling up from inside his counterpart. He had to remind himself that Haou didn't understand…

Feeling sort of bad--although he really had every right to be angry—Juudai found his hand taking a mind of its own and drifting to Haou's face. The other turned his head, trying to shake Juudai's touch. However, he couldn't avoid it. He could only stare off into the distance as Juudai stroked his face lightly. It caused a certain amount of indignation to rise within him, a certain amount of shame and resentment; however, he refused to let this show. He never let anything penetrate through the hardened shell he'd enclosed himself into. At least, not on the surface. But the ache was real and it was deep. It embarrassed him to know that Juudai could feel it. Every time he didn't understand or know something, he was embarrassed. His pride was too much to swallow. This was possibly the cause of their biggest problems.

Juudai's chocolate eyes flickered momentarily to Haou's face, where his hand still lingered. He reached up another trembling hand and tentatively placed it on Haou's other cheek. Then, he slowly forced the other to look at him, though it sent chills down his spine to gaze into those eyes. Those eyes had seen too much, endured too much. It was difficult to stare into them too long. They were beautiful, yet deadly. No one could look at them long without his life being soon extinguished. Yet it was a privilege that Juudai was blessed with. He had immunity from this fate. Sometimes he wasn't sure why.

Another sigh. Juudai knew he couldn't leave Haou. He knew he could never walk away knowing what sort of pain he'd be putting the other through. It had happened before, which was what Haou had meant by betrayal. He almost could not stand to think about it. The raw agony…The way Haou had suffered silently inside, making those around him suffer as well…It put Juudai in unspeakable pain. Not simply because he afflicted those around him. But also because Haou had been hurt deeply, cut at the heart. Even if he hadn't shown it through words or tears, he'd shown it through anger and destruction. He'd shown it by the way he so contemptuously regarded Juudai, the way he overrode Juudai's control over him and wreaked havoc. God knew what would've happened if Johan hadn't been there to snap Juudai back in control. No, for the sake of Haou—and naturally those around them—Juudai could not leave him. He was hoping the empty threat would be enough of a wake-up call…Perhaps Haou knew he wouldn't do it. Perhaps he did not. After all, Juudai had done it once before. And true, he had promised he'd never do it again, but he'd broken that promise before…He'd done this several times. The last time, though, had without a doubt been the worst of them all, considering the amount of time that had elapsed between the beginning and the reconciliation. He must honor his promise at all costs, for the sake of the world, and hope for the best. Though, deep inside, he knew his happiness was a small sacrifice in comparison with what could occur.

It was for the best, really, in the long run. After all, he almost couldn't stand the thought of going on without him. Haou was a part of him in every way. If Juudai had denied it before, he certainly knew it was all too true then. Along with the fact that they were two halves of the same whole, which automatically meant their souls were delicately woven together, they had also become lovers, so to speak. He had never been so close to a person. And to rip away from him would almost be like suicide. He could not avoid him since they were the same person. And if he broke their bond…it would hurt more than he could most likely bear. Haou wouldn't let him forget it either.

Feeling warm breath on his nose, Juudai quickly snapped back to the present. He was somewhat surprised to find himself staring straight into the piercing eyes, which were intently searching his own. He found that Haou's face was close to his, a little too close for comfort at the moment. There was a disagreeable expression on the other's face; it was apparent that he'd been listening in to Juudai's thoughts.

"Juudai," The name was spoken softly, but not in a manner that could be called pleasant. The eyes were then angry, hurt.

Unable to stand the look that was being directed at him, Juudai swallowed hard and confessed. "I'm sorry…Since you already know…No, I can't do that to you again."

"I don't believe you're speaking the truth," Haou's tone held an icy edge to it again, his eyes narrowing into dangerous slits, "I do believe you would, wouldn't you?"

Shaking his head and swallowing again, Juudai replied, "No, I could not. I would not dream…"

"Liar," The word was uttered in a malicious hiss, "You know how I feel about liars…Don't try to spare me. Tell me the truth. You may feel like you couldn't but if you were given the chance, if I were to say you could walk away right now, you would."

Juudai felt exhausted at hearing these words. He was so tired of them running around in circles, in constantly changing their minds. It really was not doing them any good. It only hurt them. Haou knew this too. Not that he was much better. He seemed to be having trouble grasping the concept of treating Juudai with kindness. He was never static in the way he treated the other. Perhaps it was his insanity that made him so. All the same, there was only one way to remedy it. If Haou was truly that stubborn, then the only thing to do was give in. No more denial. No more running away. No more trying to hide.

"All right, all right," Juudai groaned, "If you were to offer me a chance to get away, I would take it. But then, I'd miss you and feel bad and come back. So perhaps it is better than you don't give me the option. I'd abuse it. Let's just settle this once and for all. Remember what I said earlier. It's up to you about how you treat me. I can't do anything about how I feel. I'll stay with you, but it's up to you if I stay with you emotionally as well. Everything's on you. You decide if you want me to stay in the long run, or if we should just break it off here and now. It's _your_ decision. And whatever you decide, I'll go along with."

Granted, he really did not want this to be the case. But he was willing to do it if only he could get some peace of mind! He always wanted to be the one in control of his own fate…in a way he was. But it was not the side of him he'd rather it to have been. However, he had to push the indignation back. He had to swallow his own pride constantly for the sake of sanity. And then was no exception. Whatever Haou decided would determine their fate. He knew either way, Haou would inevitably be his downfall, his end.

There was a long silence as Haou thought about it. Their eyes remained locked, unwavering. Juudai was nervous as to what Haou would say; however, he felt as though whatever it was, he'd make the wiser choice. Even if he was insane, even if he could be destructive, he still was logical in his way of thinking. He was careful about making decisions.

Eventually, Haou reached out and pulled Juudai close, drawing him against his chest. Juudai flinched at the contact, surprised. He stared up at Haou with confused eyes, trying to understand the sudden display of affection. It had been so long since they'd had any sort of close contact. It was almost foreign to him. That didn't make it unpleasant, though. He found himself returning the gentle embrace, laying his cheek on Haou's shoulder and closing his eyes. Maybe this was answer enough. Haou was going to hold onto him no matter what.

Slowly, Haou began to rub his back, in the same soothing manner he always did when Juudai was distressed. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept him from going insane: to know that deep inside, Haou really _did_ care. He couldn't forget that. He found himself crushing Haou close against his chest, digging his fingers into the fabric of the other's black jacket, hoping with all his heart that Haou wouldn't turn around and treat him spitefully. It was strange to think that only days before, he'd been facing death at the same two hands that held him so gently then…It seemed strange to think that those hands that were running tenderly over his back and hair had clenched so tightly around his throat moments ago, as though to suffocate him. Even if Haou did act like he would kill him, even if he said he would at times, did that mean he would really do it? Sometimes, Juudai doubted him when he said that his promises were never unfulfilled. He had sworn to kill him many a time, but it never came true. If Haou killed him, then he ended his own existence as well. And that was far too precious to him. Perhaps that was why he cared so much for Juudai…simply because Juudai _was_ him. He could not help but love himself, right? But…he had said that he would kill Juudai even if that meant going to the grave himself. Had Juudai really been that annoying to him? Had Juudai really hurt him that much? Was he really that much of a threat? He honestly could not imagine how.

Burying his face in Haou's warm neck, he breathed deeply. He thought it would look strange to a passer-by to see him cleaving so tightly to what appeared to be nothing. But it didn't matter to him. The world could think what it wanted and he wouldn't care. All he wanted was to be treated fairly. All he wanted was to make amends with Haou and find some way where they could dwell peaceably together.

"I'm sorry," He found himself mumbling in Haou's collar, "I don't want things to end up like this…"

"Sometimes you have to accept the things that happen to you, whether you like them or not," Haou told him quietly.

Juudai nodded a little. "But, that doesn't make this any more pleasant. I just wish you'd be kinder to me. Why won't you be?"

Shrugging, Haou replied, "It's my nature. I can't change it."

They fell silent again, holding onto one another a bit tighter. Juudai found he didn't want to ever let go, but knew that by doing so, he was only subjugating himself to more danger and hurt. If he didn't do something, then he could only blame himself for his misery. He knew very well that Haou did not intend to stop. And he also knew that Haou would grow worse over time, since he'd already done so before. In the end, he suspected that they would both end up dying. It wasn't a pleasant thought, but it seemed to be the reality they would one day inevitably face. There was no telling why Haou would want to do it, since it was suicide. Maybe he didn't want to exist anymore. Maybe he wanted Juudai to go down with him. Perhaps he thought that this way, they could remain eternally together. Or perhaps he wanted to break their bond. Juudai could not be sure.

He came to realize that Haou was receding back into the depths of his mind. He held his counterpart tighter, not willing to let him leave so easily. The last thing he needed was for Haou to leave at such a critical moment. Why would he just abandon him like that? Did he find no use in continuing the conversation? Was he ready to be alone? Juudai couldn't understand Haou's actions at all.

Staring up at the figure fading in front of him with sorrowful chocolate eyes, Juudai asked him not to leave. He asked him to please reconsider what he'd made up his mind to do. However, it was to no avail. Haou only stared at him with bitter amber eyes, silent, unfeeling. Without so much as an explanation, he receded back into the depths of Juudai's mind, leaving the brunet feeling cold and alone. He could only kneel on the beach, his arms slightly outstretched at the point that he'd been holding Haou only moments before. They fell at his sides, defeated, as he hunched over, realizing that there was nothing he could do against himself. His fingers dug deeply into the sand as he hung his head, the shaggy hair masking his features.

"He really doesn't care," Juudai whispered, his muscles tensed and quivering, "Why doesn't he care? Haven't I done enough for him? Isn't there any way…I can avoid it?"

Give _him_ control. That was what he wanted. That's all he needed Juudai for. It was tempting at times to simply relinquish himself over as Haou wished. Human nature presided over logic, the need for self-preservation over the ideals. He loved Haou, didn't he? He'd do what was best for Haou, wouldn't he? Then why did he find himself so confused and unable to function properly? Why couldn't he make a simple decision? He could hardly tell right from wrong anymore. Nothing made any sense when Haou whispered those bittersweet lies in Juudai's ear. He told him things that he wanted to hear, needed to hear, in exchange for what he wanted. Perhaps the truth of it was that they didn't really love each other. Or at least Haou didn't seem to love Juudai. Perhaps he did but wasn't able to show it any other way. Juudai figured that as long as he failed to realize the manner in which Haou thought, he'd never know.

At this point, even though he'd wanted to believe they could repair it, that he could never push Haou away again, he was beginning to reconsider. That last show of defiance on Haou's behalf, where he'd left Juudai when he'd needed him the most, had been it. Although he'd promised he wouldn't leave, although he'd said he could never do it again, he felt otherwise. Haou had been the one to abandon him first. He wouldn't be exactly leaving, per se, just ignoring him. He knew he could not deny him or what they had, but in the very least, he could try to bide his time. Question was, was it worth it to change his mind again?

Shakily, he rose to his feet, wiping the sand off of himself. Jamming his hands in his pockets, he walked aimlessly down the beach, letting the surf lap against his shoes. He knew that it was not good for either of them to continue in the pattern. He knew that even if it pained him, he _should_ forget about Haou to the best of his ability. Granted, this could not be done easily. How could one forget a part of himself? Perhaps instead he would just lock him away again. As long as he held control over Haou, he realized, the other could not plague him. He could not take control of him unless he allowed it. And that would be foolish to allow it. His duty was to protect the world, and if he released Haou, who knew what would happen. Of course, unless triggered by immense anger, it was not likely that Haou would cause too much damage…he hoped. In the end, though, he knew that he should not relinquish control. He had to do what was right for himself. He had to do what was right for others. He may have been delusional in his thinking before, but he could not accept Haou's treatment of him in the long run. The other had not been willing the compromise. Nor had he been willing to stick around. Since that was the case, things had changed. His plans had taken a turn.

A deep breath of the salty air was all he needed to clear his mind. It pained him greatly to do so, but he knew that enough was enough. He'd gone back and forth far too often that day, that week, that month. But it was time he came to terms with the reality of the situation. Unless he locked Haou away again and never allowed him to revisit, then things would grow steadily worse until he was so worn down that Haou could have whatever way he wished with him. No, Juudai was not that type of person. He was stronger than that. He'd survived just fine on his own before; he didn't need someone to love. He'd still have his friends and he'd still have his sanity. If he chose to let Haou remain, he'd lose everything that he'd once held precious to him. It was time to move on. He wasn't sure he could do it, especially since he was so closely bonded to Haou and in so deep, but it would not hurt to try. Haou had chosen to abandon him a moment earlier, signaling a decision on his own behalf. They might never speak again. Perhaps they had merely merged together once more. It was for the better, really. All he would have to do would be to make sure Haou never emerged again.

Looking downcast, he sighed heavily and closed off that portion of his mind. He could feel the other's immediate protest, but he was soon silenced. There was a sense of emptiness once he'd completed the task, the one that had taken weeks upon weeks to decide yet only seconds to execute. If he'd had a sense of lacking before, this was far worse. It made him want to revoke his decision and bring the other back. But no, he would resist the temptation. He would not allow himself to be dragged down again. Perhaps someday he'd let Haou talk to him. But he'd have to learn a hard lesson first. He'd have to learn that he could not treat Juudai like that without consequences. If he could not change his ways, then they could not speak anymore.

Turning towards the ocean, his shoulders hunched, Juudai swallowed down the rising lump in his throat. What he had been through cut deeply. He didn't want to give Haou up. He didn't want to give his life up either. But he simply could not have both. _He had to accept it_.

Hanging his head and letting the sea breeze whip his hair about his face, he let a lone tear run down his cheek, dripping down to the wet sand below. Deep inside, he knew he could not live forever avoiding his other half. He could not deny his existence. But he was not going to let himself fall into an abyss of isolation or bitterness as Haou had. He was not going to become Haou. He was going to be _Juudai_. There was no way he would allow himself to fall to that level, or to become detached from society. Neither would he allow himself to become so deeply upset by this incident that he would never be the same way again. He was going to return to his usual self, and he was going to be all right. Even if he needed Haou as part of his soul, he would not need him in any other sense. He could do fine on his own. It was far better than the alternative. Haou hurt him more than it was worth. His eyes were opened to the truth, and he was not going to allow himself any more harm or give any more empty threats. The other had had his warning. It was time to face the consequences of their actions.

* * *

**A/N: Um…yeah…sorry it jumped around…sorry it was confusing…I was more or less toying with it and having fun. -.- Why am I putting it up? Uh, cuz I want to? Oh, well, I understand if there's any harsh criticism. It's just a different take on their relationship than I've given before…I was just playing around. Sorry for the somewhat OOCness and how nonsensical it was. DX Just having fun…I kinda like it…even though the transitions for the thinking aren't the best. I was going to indecisive but…I phailed. My bad. Hrhrhr. 8D**


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